I've been pretty open about struggling with depression. It is something that has plagued my entire life, making even the smallest trials seem like monumental challenges. After having children, it seemed as if the depression worsened. I became someone else, someone that couldn't function. I watched myself do and say things that I felt I couldn't control.
After my third child, the depression went into over-drive. My diagnosis was 'borderline psychosis'. Let me tell you, there is nothing as terrifying as feeling like you are being puppeted by a disorder. Losing control over your life...not being able to do the simplest of tasks...even though there is nothing physically wrong!
I'm struggling again. Just getting out of bed is a feat, though to someone that looks at me they'd wonder, "Is she full of it?", because I look just fine. In my head I am constantly trying to think, but the wheels seem stuck. Trying to function, just wondering why I can't put things in order...it's all falling apart! The worst part of it all is that I know what is happening. I have medication, but nothing is stopping it!
So, what do you do? If you found this blog and post because you were searching for answers about postpartum depression or just depression, I wish I had them for you. All I can say is that you fight. You fight, and you never stop fighting because if you do, the damn disease wins. Warring against your own mind is terribly hard, but you can win and eventually life will seem better. You owe it to yourself to never, ever give up.
That's what I keep telling myself. No matter how bad I screw things up, somehow things will work out.
6 comments:
I'm hear to lend an ear whenever you need one. ::hugs:: This almost took me down, and I had to claw my way out.
Thanks, Jenn. I figured it's a good thing to be open about it. Who knows who it may help :-)
<3 you, sweetie!
Writing about it in journals helped me, too. I bury myself in paper and pen marks ... a lot of writing. Then, I forced myself to re-read it all and try to find solutions for it all. If I couldn't, I asked for help. It was HARD doing that part.
I love this post. Thank you for sharing your experience openly. I know it will help others.
Found you as a fellow Warrior Mom of the Week on Postpartum Progress :) I've been there too, and you're right. You just keep at it. Here's hoping for better days coming your way.
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