When people think of depression or post partum depression, they have this image of someone spending their days in bed, crying, or just being unable to function due to an overwhelming sadness. They have no idea of the crippling rage affecting some of us.I don't spend my days hiding from everything because I am afraid something is going to trigger my crying reflex. I hide because I'm afraid something will send me into a rage. In January I ripped the guts out of a computer...why? Because it made me angry. Something inside just snapped and I went on a rampage against a machine.
You know those scenes in commercials or movies where someone throws a computer or TV out of a window? Yeah. That can happen. It isn't even funny when you rely on a machine for your income.
Anti-depressants only suppress some of it. You can be the happiest person on the planet for a minute, a day, a week, or more. Then something, anything, triggers your rage. You lose control and something gets shattered. I hate losing control. I can't stand not being in control, not because I'm self-centered, but because I am afraid of myself.
Would I hurt my kids? Hell no. I conditioned myself a long time ago to channel the physical part toward inanimate objects. That was after quite a few incidents as a teen and young adult which ended up in court appearances. Plus, I don't like hurting people - my favorite thing to do in life is to make others happy. Causing pain in others hurts me to the core. A friend of mine told me that she didn't think I would ever hurt my kids...but when you have a problem with rage, no matter how conditioned you are, you remain in fear of yourself. My fear of the rage towards the kids is that I'll say something horrible to them and scar them for life. As I said, I'm not physical towards people. My mouth, however, is evil during a rage-fit. So, I count. I retreat inside my brain. I give in to what they want just so I won't say something horrible.
With adults it isn't as easy. Kids have no idea that Mom (or Dad if he has a problem with rage) is about to lose control. They don't understand, but then again, maybe they do. Humans have emotional development issues throughout the younger years that result in outbursts. This will happen until after puberty. That gives kids an understanding of outbursts. Adults forget, though. Or they just don't give a damn. I find it very hard to contain anger that an adult triggered. Maybe because adults should know better? They should have a better understanding of life in general? I understand that this just isn't so in a lot of adults.
Could also be because I have a very low tolerance for stupidity. Stupid people bother the hell out of me. Stupid people that get angry at others with a higher intelligence make me angrier. I don't mean anyone that is mentally challenged - I mean those that are out and out STUPID. Doesn't everyone hate it when someone doesn't understand something, then gets all defensive or angry when someone explains whatever it is they aren't 'getting'?
Understanding what trips your rage trigger is only part of the battle. Gaining the sheer willpower to contain it - that's the hard part. I still yell. I may go into a room alone and beat the crap out of a wall. Sometimes, just sometimes I might rip a computer apart and end up slicing my hand up. It is scary for those around you, but even more terrifying to BE you when that rage beast escapes from the cage you've built.
If you suffer from this type of depression, the only thing you can do is train yourself to never, ever unleash it physically on a living being. That takes a lot of effort and sheer willpower. Therapy may help if you can afford it or if insurance covers that. Anti-depressants may help. But nothing will kill the beast, it lurks below the surface of your sanity forever.
I found this site a while back when trying to learn how to control it. The advice helped me, maybe it will help any others that need it. When I read this post, it described how I was years ago...the old me that was a very scary person. Thankfully, I began learning how to control the beast before having kids. Still, this author gives some great advice on how to become the calm person you desperately want to be. I'm not all the way there yet. I will be, one day.
How To Control Your Temper
0 comments:
Post a Comment