PPD / Depression - When you don't cry all day

Edit- Blogger ate the Black Label Books post when I published this and put this content over it. Hence the weird URL.

When people think of depression or post partum depression, they have this image of someone spending their days in bed, crying, or just being unable to function due to an overwhelming sadness. They have no idea of the crippling rage affecting some of us.

I don't spend my days hiding from everything because I am afraid something is going to trigger my crying reflex. I hide because I'm afraid something will send me into a rage. In January I ripped the guts out of a computer...why? Because it made me angry. Something inside just snapped and I went on a rampage against a machine.

You know those scenes in commercials or movies where someone throws a computer or TV out of a window? Yeah. That can happen. It isn't even funny when you rely on a machine for your income.
Anti-depressants only suppress some of it. You can be the happiest person on the planet for a minute, a day, a week, or more. Then something, anything, triggers your rage. You lose control and something gets shattered. I hate losing control. I can't stand not being in control, not because I'm self-centered, but because I am afraid of myself.

Would I hurt my kids? Hell no. I conditioned myself a long time ago to channel the physical part toward inanimate objects. That was after quite a few incidents as a teen and young adult which ended up in court appearances. Plus, I don't like hurting people - my favorite thing to do in life is to make others happy. Causing pain in others hurts me to the core. A friend of mine told me that she didn't think I would ever hurt my kids...but when you have a problem with rage, no matter how conditioned you are, you remain in fear of yourself. My fear of the rage towards the kids is that I'll say something horrible to them and scar them for life. As I said, I'm not physical towards people. My mouth, however, is evil during a rage-fit. So, I count. I retreat inside my brain. I give in to what they want just so I won't say something horrible.

With adults it isn't as easy. Kids have no idea that Mom (or Dad if he has a problem with rage) is about to lose control. They don't understand, but then again, maybe they do. Humans have emotional development issues throughout the younger years that result in outbursts. This will happen until after puberty. That gives kids an understanding of outbursts. Adults forget, though. Or they just don't give a damn. I find it very hard to contain anger that an adult triggered. Maybe because adults should know better? They should have a better understanding of life in general? I understand that this just isn't so in a lot of adults.

Could also be because I have a very low tolerance for stupidity. Stupid people bother the hell out of me. Stupid people that get angry at others with a higher intelligence make me angrier. I don't mean anyone that is mentally challenged - I mean those that are out and out STUPID. Doesn't everyone hate it when someone doesn't understand something, then gets all defensive or angry when someone explains whatever it is they aren't 'getting'?

Understanding what trips your rage trigger is only part of the battle. Gaining the sheer willpower to contain it - that's the hard part. I still yell. I may go into a room alone and beat the crap out of a wall. Sometimes, just sometimes I might rip a computer apart and end up slicing my hand up. It is scary for those around you, but even more terrifying to BE you when that rage beast escapes from the cage you've built.

If you suffer from this type of depression, the only thing you can do is train yourself to never, ever unleash it physically on a living being. That takes a lot of effort and sheer willpower. Therapy may help if you can afford it or if insurance covers that. Anti-depressants may help. But nothing will kill the beast, it lurks below the surface of your sanity forever.

I found this site a while back when trying to learn how to control it. The advice helped me, maybe it will help any others that need it. When I read this post, it described how I was years ago...the old me that was a very scary person. Thankfully, I began learning how to control the beast before having kids. Still, this author gives some great advice on how to become the calm person you desperately want to be. I'm not all the way there yet. I will be, one day.

How To Control Your Temper

Unwell

This is me. When I'm down, I listen to this a lot. It reminds me of who I used to be. Getting to where I really like who I have become. But I still have those down days.

10,000 Words on...Behinds

I didn't update because I've been working like a fiend for the past few days. Talking about the PPD and then forcing myself to focus has done wonders for my thought organization. As I said in the post about depression, you have to fight it. Sometimes fighting it means giving depression a swift kick in the bootchie.

Speaking of bootchie, the project I've been working on was a real pain in it. The past 3 days have been spent writing about:

I don't mean the animal, but you can get my drift. ;-)

10,000 words on behinds. Sore behinds. I had no idea when I embarked on my career of freelance writing that I would ever write what is essentially a novella on butt.

Thank you, life.

Working Today

I've felt more focused since yesterday. Maybe writing about the PPD helped? Sat down and had a talk with one of my editor/clients, answered emails, and have tried to be more open and engaged around the house. 

Rebekah is smiling at us now, which gives me something to take away any bad. Doesn't matter what mood I'm in, seeing a 2 month old grin at your goofy faces or noises melts away the yuck. Who can make stupid faces and stay sad or mad? Not me! She started giving smiles a little over a week ago, but no one believed it wasn't gas. I knew I had one smart baby girl, though. 

Speaking of BekahBean reminds me...I have a new idea that I'm going to be sharing soon. It'll be all BekahBean-y!

Postpartum Depression

I've been pretty open about struggling with depression. It is something that has plagued my entire life, making even the smallest trials seem like monumental challenges. After having children, it seemed as if the depression worsened. I became someone else, someone that couldn't function. I watched myself do and say things that I felt I couldn't control. 

After my third child, the depression went into over-drive. My diagnosis was 'borderline psychosis'. Let me tell you, there is nothing as terrifying as feeling like you are being puppeted by a disorder. Losing control over your life...not being able to do the simplest of tasks...even though there is nothing physically wrong!

I'm struggling again. Just getting out of bed is a feat, though to someone that looks at me they'd wonder, "Is she full of it?", because I look just fine. In my head I am constantly trying to think, but the wheels seem stuck. Trying to function, just wondering why I can't put things in order...it's all falling apart! The worst part of it all is that I know what is happening. I have medication, but nothing is stopping it! 

So, what do you do? If you found this blog and post because you were searching for answers about postpartum depression or just depression, I wish I had them for you. All I can say is that you fight. You fight, and you never stop fighting because if you do, the damn disease wins. Warring against your own mind is terribly hard, but you can win and eventually life will seem better. You owe it to yourself to never, ever give up.

That's what I keep telling myself. No matter how bad I screw things up, somehow things will work out. 

Coffee-Mate's Free Flavor Friday!

 

I'm a huge fan of Coffee-Mate.

 

NO, THIS IS NOT A PAID POST!

I really and truly love the flavors that you can find in Coffee-Mate. To be perfectly honest, Rob [Mr.Fletcher] and I adore all types of creamer. We're not completely loyal to any one brand, though I do lean towards Coffee-Mate. When I went to the hospital to have Bekah Bean in December, I had Rob bring me the holiday flavors for my hospital coffee!

So, since the name of this blog is Not Enough Coffee, I thought I would share about Coffee-Mate's Free Flavor Friday! Tomorrow Coffee-Mate will be giving away 100,000 coupons for a free bottle of ANY flavor creamer! Find out more on their website, HERE or follow them on Twitter for updates on when you can snag the coupon- Coffee-Mate on Twitter. 

 

ScribeFire

Just trying out the ScribeFire app for Chrome. I want to be able to post updates without logging into my Blogger account, you know, when inspiration strikes. If you have suggestions on another platform, would love to hear.

Comments- Open

                                                    Comment moderation is now only for old posts.

                                                        

                                                         Play nice or I'll sic the zombies on you.

     

                                                                                He's waiting.

Freelance Writing Scams, for your pleasure.

I keep getting junk from these winners, even though I've 'opted out' about 8 times. One of the pitfalls of answering Craigslist ads, some look legit even to a vet's jaded eye. Just delete anything like this!

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We know that one of the hardest things to do when you are a Writer is to find a job that will work around your schedule and allow you to pursue your creative writing career so we created a little black book that will help you. The Feb 2011 update includes more hard to find secret part-time telecommuting jobs at [scammer site] - Just Revamped and updated for Feb 2011.

Mr. Reeves

There is a job available for you. This is a legitimate job. No money required from you for this job so read this carefully. Mandatory Qualifications are below for the Data Researcher position:

- You must have access to a computer with Internet Access
- You must be able to sit and work 4 hours/day without interruption on your own
- You must be able to pay attention to detail. This is a must because after a couple of hours of sitting and doing the same thing over and over you can lose focus
- You must understand Basic Computer Instruction but if you are very brand new to the computer then this may not be for you

If you can meet the above qualifications then you can fill the position. The pay is $20.00 per hour (max of 4 hours/day or 20 hours per week for a total max pay of $400 per week). You can work the hours however you like but you will not be paid overtime so be careful and watch your hours. It is not recommended working more than 4 hours/day because your work focus will decrease and it will end up taking you longer to complete assignments and your hourly average pay will decrease.

To determine your commitment level, your first week will be a PAID TEMPORARY SIMPLE ASSIGNMENT. You will still be paid $400.00 for the week and no assignment sheet will be required for the first week. Your check will be mailed on the following Friday following the previous week.

After the probationary week, you will be assigned a permanent account executive with a toll free number and you will have the option to get paid Friday via pay pal if you choose. At this time we do not offer direct deposit. Only pay pal and check when you are permanent. You will also be required to email in assignment sheets at the end of the week when you are permanent.

We have listed this job and many others like this one in our Secret Little Book just updated for 2011. NONE OF THE JOBS LISTED REQUIRE MONEY FORM YOU! We have done the research for you. If you are interested in this job and other jobs like it please visit [scammer site] right now for more information.

A note about above job listed: During the first week no taxes will be reported or taken out. After the probationary week, all income will be reported for tax purposes and you will be required to file your own taxes as an independent contractor. It is a simple assignment so the first week is really an easy $400. This step helps weed out all the non-committed workers as well.

And because time is of the essence with these jobs, I will have this information shipped out to you within 24 to 72 hours.


Sincerely,
Mr. Reeves